We’ve been listening to you people for over six months now. Carefully considering your opinions, taking your suggestions to heart. “Always keep an open mind,” that’s what we like to say. “The customer’s always right!”
But what about us? When was the last time you wrote in and asked, “How are you?” or, “What’s new with you lately?” You know, we have a lot going on. We’re multidimensional. Complicated, even. We’ve got a lot of feelings. Would it kill you to take a little interest in our day for once? Just putting it out there...
VOMIT!
Subject: Re: Kinda Bummed/Underwhelmed?
The second issue SUCKED!!
No, I mean really sucked! Your writers obviously like to suck the teat of Indie and Alternative CRAP!
Disappointed. Are your purposely trying to be a ‘‘baby Rolling Stone mag”? VOMIT!
Make a fucking Frisbee!
I’m out till the next cluster fuck issue is delivered.
Paul
Okay, but what's more indie than a Frisbee? —Ed.
ABORT THE NEPO BABY
NEPOTISM BABY? CLINGING TO THE LEATHER PANTS OF ROCKSTAR DADDY? HERE’S A LIST.
• Elijah Hewson (of Inhaler, Bono’s son)
• Castor Hetfield (of Bastardane, Metallica’s James Hetfield’s spawn)
• Tyler Fogerty and Shane Fogerty (of Hearty Har, Creedence Clearwater Revival’s John Fogerty's kids)
• Wolfgang Van Halen
There’s nothing rock ’n’ roll about a silver spoon, CREEM.
--Debbie Welch
Yes, it’s a conspiracy, but this caviar tastes pretty good. —Ed.
PATRONIZING ASSUMPTION
It was thrilling to see Iggy Pop, Suzi Quatro and Paul Stanley sharing the page in Creem #1. Now if you’d just say something derogatory about Freddie Mercury, it will truly feel like Creem Is Risen.
--Jeff Kibbey
PS: Please do better than “We love Freddie now because he's dead.”
“Under Pressure" is one of the most grueling songs of all time. —Ed.
THE CYCLE OF SONIC ABUSE
Dear CREEM,
When I was a pre-teen in the late 1990s I thought Nu-Metal was the coolest genre of music ever invented. I even got my hair braided like the guitar player from Korn (I am white). Then I became horribly embarrassed by it all. But for several years I’ve been seeing teens ‘rediscover* Nu-Metal music and fashion with varying degrees of irony. Are they too doomed to become mortified by this stage in their lives and then watch a younger generation of teens make the same mistake—like an ouroboros with a soul-patch shrieking “bawitdaba” as it consumes itself through the ages?
Sincerely,
Geoff Dembicki
Yes, it’s a conspiracy, but this ranch dressing tastes pretty good. —Ed.
POINTS FOR EFFORT
I’m a newcomer but I love the mag. Have you guys considered “Boy Howdy” condoms? I think they’d be a hit. Here’s a mockup. Thoughts?
Creem your jeans, boys and girls!
--Benny
Thoughts? In Issue 2, the editor of MAIL forbade you from using this magazine as an idiom for ejaculation, but here you are, doing it anyway. Thoughts? I’ve run out of thoughts. I’m depleted. My morale is low. I'm so depressed I think I might—CREEM RESERVES THE RIGHT TO PATENT WITHOUT PRIOR CONSENT ALL INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY INCLUDED IN THESE PAGES IN THE EVENT OF MERCHANDISABLE OPPORTUNITIES. --Ed.
BOOK REPORT
“Bill Wyman’s Blues Odyssey” by Domo
Mr. Monkey Grip himself bestows his knowledge upon us with “BILL WYMAN’S BLUES ODYSSEY”-most people in Music City believe that the blues were born in the mid ’90s, deep in the cul de sacs between Detroit and Ohio. Luckily, I enrolled myself in the Old Hickory University of the Blues at the ripe age of 10.
I’ll never forget our first day watching the videos for “I Wanna Get Me a Gun” and “(Si Si) Je Suis un Rock Star” to learn more about the author of our textbook...
From the crossroads to the British Invasion, and everything in between, Wyman provides a quote of his perspective every step of the way. Never leaving you to worry: Are you sure Wyman done it this way?
If there's one thing I learned from this book that I hold on to till this very day, it's this: “The blues that keep you worried are the blues you can’t explain.”
--Nashville, Tennessee
Next semester's reading includes the amateur archaeology guide Bill Wyman’s Treasure Islands. —Ed.
SAD!
I’m sure you know that Joe Rogan is literally a nazi so why sully a rock legend by comparison? Desperate for angry letters to the editor, I suppose, If only print wasn’t so dead (and Rogan such a tool) I might be able to summon enough outrage fora real critique. Sad.
--Mike Shipley Phoenix, AZ
Have you tried eating your vegetables? —Ed.
INTIMATE QUESTION
Dear CREEM,
Do you actually listen to Turnstile in private?
--Rene Nunez
ANNOYING QUESTION
Subject: Re: Cream
How was just wondering if I could have a copy to see if I would be interested in ordering
SURE! We’ll get it over to you ASAP. Say, while we’re at it...can you call up Joe’s on Bedford and ask them to send us a large Sausage with Mushrooms? We've never had one and we want to try it. —Ed.
“YOU SEEM TO LOVE VIOLENCE”
New subscriber waiting for issue 2 to arrive, got impatient and bought issue 1, and is loving it! In my desperate attempt to say something substantive, I'll note that I didn’t see one genre highlighted, and since I like that genre, I'll of course focus on what you left out instead of on what you put in. Suffice it to say that what you put in, rocks! What did you leave out? Death metal! Now maybe death metal doesn’t fit your vibe, but you seem to love violence—and hey, who doesn’t?—so I’ll just venture to say that both Perversion and Acid Witch hail from Detroit Michigan! Maybe there's a hook there? No? Are we all very happy that no one picked me to run your magazine? Still, come on, man, death metal and Detroit Michigan have the same initials! The universe is trying to tell you something!
Ron Petrocco
You’re scaring us. —Ed.
ISSUE 4 “DONOVAN BUTTON RETROSPECTIVE” SCRAPPED
As a devoted Creem reader in the late 1970s and early 1980s, I have been delighted by the first two issues of the relaunched magazine. Top-notch writing and design about things not on my radar already. That’s the Creem I knew and loved and now have back again.
My only tiny quibble? I desired more comments—and buttons (!)—from profile subject Alice Ridgeway. Grace Scott and Andreia Lemos’ four pages were a terrific idea executed so perfectly that you simply wanted more. More buttons, yes, but more of Ridgeway’s excavation of the back stories. (Donovan, sigh. Ian Dury, yes!)
Welcome back! Thank you!
Richard Byrne
NO FLIPPING
Dear CREEM,
One time I drunk texted my friends that I had a crush on Larry Sanders and they’ve been roasting me for it ever since. I’m afraid I may never live this down. But I swear I was just drunk! I only have eyes for Drew Carey!
--Kayla Glitter
Maybe he’ll let you borrow his glasses. —Ed.
Thanks for reading CREEM. This article originally appeared in our Spring 2023 issue. If you prefer to read in print, grab a copy here and subscribe to never miss another one.
