Donnez-moi le garcon Howdy, s'il voiis plait. Mais je n'ai pas de monnaie. Pouvez-vous me rendre sur 1,000,000 francs?

Whoops, wrong language. Hang on a minute, let's try this one:

Yo quiero comprar el muchacho Jowdy, por favor. Pero yo no tengo . . .

Wait, damn it, what planet is this? Oh, it's Detroit. Should have known . . . just a second.

Top of the morning to you madame, and if you don't mind being troubled, may I have the new issue of CREEM there on the left, the one with Barry Manilow on the cover.

Okay, so you've reaid this far, just to find out what the hell has happened to this column since last month. Not much, except that this column is being written on a pocket calculator.

As we go to press, two major electronics companies have debuted pocket calculators that speak French, German, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, English, and Japanese.