NEW MASTER? EDWARD VAN HALEN

Many people think Eddie Van Halen is the best guitar player in the world. This is something like being God, except that you still have to die. Meanwhile, it’s a pretty decent deal, and good for a few bucks, too.

Is there any way we can affirm this high honor? Approaching the matter cautiously, we must ask the all-important “tangential questions,” for it is only with Zennish patience that we can tackle the alwaystricky “loudest moo problem.” For reference. we can consult The Wah-Wah Book Of The Nearly Dead, compiling a list of questions that might seem cryptic and even frivolous. This is mainly because judging guitarists is only slightly more frivolous— and always more cryptic—than drowning puppies “just because they’re there.”

Q.: Does he make noises ranging from woot to squeet while holding his instrument in the unfortunate “Imitation Of Life’’ posture ceded to guitarists in their covenant with Jehovah?

A.: Certainly. Ed is the world’s leading explorer of man’s potential to care whether or not hertz loves. Onstage, he’s done all he can to convince audiences that playing guitar is akin to curing cancer with a pick. Q.: Yeah, but did he play in the Yardbirds?