“Girls are nothin’ to get shook up about,” Gilbert once told the Beav. “They’re something that just happens, like shaving and cavities.”

Unfortunately, Gilbert’s idea of a girl was probably someone like that little poochface who reads the news on Kids’ Beat. This story is about real women— that’s right, girls whose contents have settled during shferi&nt.

Real women likeilfdonna, the Detroitborn, Gay Paree-bred singing sensation who went from donut-whomper to fashion doyenne seemingly overnight. She has at least seven qualities in common with Philadelphia Cream Cheese & Peaches, three of which I can’t even mention or America’s Only will never see the inside of a convenience store again.

Let me tell you a few things about people from Detroit. If you ask them where in Michigan they’re originally from, they’ll hold up their hand, point at the base of their thumb, and say “here” and expect you to know what the hell they’re talking about.

This is the Motor City, where it’s still a quaint custom for little nine-year-old kids to ride mopeds full speed on the sidewalk. The only city in the continental United States where Fencl-Tufo Chevy Tigers Keychain Night is considered a legal holiday.