NAMES: King Diamond and Andy LaRocque.

AGE: Old enough to respond positively to “Let me help you out of that chair.”

FROM: Copenhagen, voted “No. 2 Happiest City of 2024" by the European Commission, which explains why their music is so subversive and evil.

OCCUPATION: Vocalizing at unspeakable and inhuman ranges; being a wellspring of undeniable god-tier riffage.

HOBBIES: Teaching teens that you too can be hip and still love Jesus Christ our Savior!

LAST BOOK YOU READ: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.

LAST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Turning a stage into a 1920s hospital or a mansion, then turning fans into blathering idiots, vainglorious air-guitar pundits, and discerning eunuch-level falsetto aficionados.

QUOTE: “Don’t touch, never ever steal. Unless you’re in for the kill.” —Kim Bendix Petersen