DUST MY PUMICE

Knot-tying is real big in Philadelphia. They’re all married. The Tearsons, the Damskers, they’re all married. Hooked. Hitched. Fuckin wedded before the eyes of Big Bozo upstairs. New York there’s much fewer lefthanded ring fingers with the old metal on it. When was the last one to make it legal, the Richard & Lisa Robinsons? No there was the Bud & Linda Scoppas. And way before that the Ed & Jeanie McCormacks. Christgau’s always auditioning somebody for the role of permanent mate but he hasn’t turned up anything just yet. Richard Goldstein and his honey-bear have called it “quits.” Matrimony in NYC is fuckin shot to shit.

Did I say is, I mean was. Cause there’s a new one now and it’s the best so far. Nick & Sunny Tosches. They went down to City Hall and this guy in a lavender shirt and tie did the honors and when she couldn’t get the ring on her finger he said “Whatsamatter, eatin too many potatoes?” As a matter of fact she does like the old tuber pretty much whether it’s mashed, fried, baked or boiled. Or mashed. She drinks a lotta Almaden white wine from Californey-ay and speaking of Californ she has fornicated. With Nick. They fucked and fucked and fugged till the cows came home and then once for good measure and this was all before the nuptials had begun.