Hey—are you ready to GET SMALL! Everybody in the fifth row, do you have your fake noses on? HEY! Eighth row! Where are those arrows sticking through your head! HUH? We’ve got a BIG TIME COMEDIAN coming out here in a minute and we don’t want him to think everybody out here is DEAD! What are you, anyway—a fucking CEMETERY! Is this an audience or an OIL PAINTING! HUH!

OK, for starters—your big time crazy kind of journalist spent an hour with Steve Martin. Hey! Before you go for my threads, get this. An hour with this YEEWW-NEEK kind of guy, wouldn’t you know it-NOT ONE LAUGH! Not a chuckle, not a grin, not even a goddamn front tooth! Call me stupid, call me irresponsible (call me Ishmael!), but not a joke on the whole tape—it might as well have been an interview with Tom Verlaine! If I’d closed my eyes, I would never have woken up.